Comment: The first sentence of the essay should be attention-grabbing. Additionally, it should be linked to the overarching meaning or message of the entire text. In this case, it lacks such a connection. One example of such a sentence would be; "Watching Tony's intense encounter with his Bible and the events that followed sparked a thought that occasionally crossed my mind but often went unnoticed. He clapped his...". With this sentence, the reader is immediately intrigued by how this specific event can prompt reflection on a particular concept. Only upon reading the entire paragraph and essay does the reader come to understand it.

Comment: This sentence could be removed without altering the overall tone and message of the essay. The reader does not need to know that the sea green crayon is Tony's favorite. It does not add anything to the context of this essay and could therefore be easily omitted.

Comment: This is a great sentence with which the student can end the paragraph. It prompts the reader to understand the essay's topic and is seamlessly linked to the second paragraph.