Comment: The opening of the essay effectively sets the scene with vivid imagery. It draws the reader in with a sense of tranquility before the disruption occurs and builds the context from the very beginning, allowing the reader to be fully immersed in the story. Future applicants should remember to use sensory details to immerse the reader in their experience rather than just stating facts, and this from the very beginning of the essay to create a compelling narrative.

Comment: The use of short sentences effectively shows the disruption and the applicant’s reaction. It breaks up the flow of the narrative, reflecting the moment of embarrassment and social anxiety, and immersing the reader in the experience. This makes the applicant’s struggle more vivid and relatable for the reader. Overall, variation in sentence length can heighten the emotional impact of a specific moment in a narrative.

Comment: This sentence effectively introduces the extended metaphor that will take place throughout the essay in a clear manner, allowing the reader and admission committees to follow the comparison with ease. Overall, it makes the narrative more compelling and readable for recruiters. Therefore, transitions are important as they ensure that ideas/metaphors are presented in a coherent and comprehensible way, enhancing the overall flow of the essay.