Comment: The opening sentence is highly effective, serving as a personal and engaging introduction that captures the reader's attention immediately. This initial hook, through a well-chosen anecdote, piques curiosity and invites the reader to learn more about the applicant’s story. Using a personal experience that ties into the essay’s main theme is an excellent way to establish a cohesive narrative. Future applicants should aim to begin with similarly strong, memorable first sentences to create an immediate connection with the reader and set the stage for the rest of the essay.

Comment: The use of specific, measurable details, such as “200 feet and 100 slats,” adds valuable depth to the narrative and makes the scene more vivid for the reader. This level of specificity not only enhances the reader’s understanding but also demonstrates the applicant’s attention to detail, which adds authenticity and credibility to the story. For future applicants, incorporating precise descriptions can enrich their storytelling, making their experiences feel real and memorable.

Comment: The essay effectively introduces emotions by describing feelings of fear, which creates a compelling emotional foundation for the essay's main topic. This approach helps readers empathize with the applicant, making the narrative more relatable and impactful. It’s an excellent technique to make the story resonate on a personal level. Future applicants can draw from this example by integrating genuine emotions into their writing, as it gives their story dimension and makes it more memorable.