Comment: This opening line immediately captures the reader’s attention with its vivid imagery and historical setting, immersing them in a moment of familial and cultural significance. By anchoring the essay in a specific time and place, the student establishes a rich context for the narrative, connecting their present-day experiences with a multi-generational story. The use of sensory language, such as "muggy and oppressively hot," evokes a tactile atmosphere, inviting the reader to feel the environment as the story unfolds. This line also hints at the student’s deep connection to family history, suggesting that their identity and passions are intertwined with those of their ancestors. By choosing to start with a scene from the past, the student creates a strong narrative arc that promises to link tradition, music, and personal growth, which makes the essay immediately engaging.

Comment: This sentence effectively contrasts the motivations of Irwin and Leon, giving the reader a glimpse into their personalities while setting up the significance of Tanglewood as a cultural and familial landmark. The inclusion of Leonard Bernstein and Beethoven’s 3rd Symphony adds a layer of sophistication and cultural depth to the story, reflecting the importance of music in the family’s narrative. The casual mention of Leon’s role as the driver provides a touch of humor and relatability, showing the dynamic between the two brothers. This moment also subtly highlights the historical and geographical connections between Tanglewood and the student’s own experiences, suggesting that this place holds enduring significance across generations. By including these details, the student not only enriches the narrative but also emphasizes their awareness of how their family history has shaped their identity and aspirations.

Comment: This sentence is particularly strong because it emphasizes the depth of the bond between the student and their great uncle. By portraying Irwin as the only family member who truly “understood” them, the essay conveys a sense of shared passion and individuality that helps the reader connect with the student on a deeper level. This line also establishes the emotional stakes of the essay by showing why Irwin’s passing would have such a profound impact. Furthermore, the statement reinforces the importance of music in the student’s life, framing it not just as an interest but as a defining element of their identity. This is a powerful way to introduce the personal significance of the essay’s themes.