Comment: This opening is visually strong, but it could be more emotionally engaging by immediately grounding the reader in the personal stakes of the moment. Right now, it reads like a well-written scene description rather than an opening that immediately pulls the reader into the student's experience. Admissions officers are not just looking for strong writing; they are looking for writing that immerses them in the student’s journey. A simple way to enhance this would be to introduce the student’s thoughts or feelings here, perhaps the anticipation of catching a fish, the quiet frustration from previous failures, or even the simple admiration for the beauty of the moment before the challenge begins. Doing this would make the opening feel more personal and immersive rather than just descriptive.

Comment: The internal dialogue is a good way to show the student’s doubt, but it could be more naturally woven into the moment rather than feeling like a sudden break from the scene. Right now, the transition from external action to internal thought is abrupt, it would be smoother if the student first described the physical signs of their growing frustration (e.g., adjusting their grip on the rod, sighing, or shifting their weight). Additionally, the rhetorical questions could be made more specific to enhance emotional engagement. Instead of the general "Maybe I’m doing it all for nothing?", they could recall a specific past failure or disappointment that makes them doubt themselves in this moment. This would make the doubt feel more real and connected to their larger journey.

Comment: This moment is a great setup for the contrast between the cousin’s success and the student’s frustration, but it could be more emotionally detailed to strengthen the impact. Right now, it simply states what happened, but we don’t get a clear sense of how the student felt in that moment. Did they feel jealousy, quiet embarrassment, irritation, or determination? Adding a brief physical reaction, maybe clenching the rod tighter, forcing a smile, or pretending not to care, would make this moment more relatable and immersive. Additionally, instead of just saying the cousin pulled out a fish, the student could describe the sounds of splashing, the cousin’s excitement, or the feeling of watching success slip further away. This would enhance the contrast between the two experiences and make the student’s eventual success feel more satisfying.