Comment: This opening is unique and attention-grabbing, using the metaphor of a rat to characterize the writer’s mindset. The comparison immediately creates a vivid image while setting the stage for an exploration of self-awareness and growth. Admissions officers will appreciate the originality of this introduction, as it demonstrates the writer’s creativity and willingness to reflect honestly on their past flaws. This unconventional start draws readers in, making them curious about the journey that follows.

Comment: This sentence effectively conveys the writer’s personal growth through a clever extension of the rat metaphor. The phrase “trapped by my own thinking” encapsulates a pivotal moment of self-awareness, where the writer begins to see the futility of their competitive mindset. By acknowledging their flaws in such an honest and relatable way, the writer demonstrates emotional intelligence and maturity, qualities that are highly valued in college applicants. Admissions officers will admire the depth of insight here, as it moves beyond superficial achievements to examine the deeper motivations and consequences of their actions.

Comment: This description paints a vivid and relatable setting, grounding the writer’s transformation in an unexpected and humble environment. The sensory details—“dingy,” “musty,” “hardwood flooring”—contrast sharply with the intellectual and spiritual growth that occurs within the space, emphasizing the writer’s ability to find profound meaning in unassuming circumstances. Admissions officers will be drawn to the writer’s ability to articulate how an ordinary place became the setting for an extraordinary shift in perspective, showcasing their ability to find significance in their surroundings and experiences.